Top 5 Things I Have Discovered by Having Skip Level 1–2–1s for More Than A Year
When I started in my new role almost 2 years ago, I knew that having skip level 1–2–1s was a format I wanted to leverage. I did not know what to expect from it as I never had skip level reports. My goal was pretty simple — I wanted to create an accepting environment for people in my teams. For myself so that I can feel well in genuine contact with them, but also to see what impact this can have on my ability to understand their struggles and how I can use my power for them. Also, it’s my personal mission to bring non-violent perspectives and approaches to leading people, and I wanted to make sure I leverage this as much as possible.
Prior research also shows that psychological safety in the workplace increases innovative performance, ability to adapt to a change and challenges status quo.¹
Below I am stating 5 things I have discovered after a year of meeting with my colleagues regularly.
Ability to Compensate for Power Difference Is a Crucial Skill
Leaders almost never hear “no”.
I am a huge believer in non-violence in the workplace. Power, by default, brings some level of violence into our relationships. As a leader, I need to make decisions that impact my people, and I consider myself to be fully responsible for the decisions I make. This type of power I consider important in hierarchical organizations. Systemic power also brings its toll.
The main pitfall is that people know I might have power over them if I, as a leader, want to. They believe there might face consequences if they don’t agree with me (like getting negative feedback, not receiving bonuses, being asked to leave, etc.). This worry even unconsciously causes that we won’t always get honest answers from people, and we barely ever hear “no”. I consider this an issue. If I don’t understand the situation well, I cannot make adequate decisions. Usually, only people that work for me can provide me with the best information I need. The higher the hierarchy difference, the more effort a leader needs to make to overcome the power difference.
Besides that, every time a person says yes, even though they would say no if the power difference was not there, we pay an enormous cost. This cost is the relationship that suffers. The request would be fulfilled out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, or a desire for reward. I have seen many examples of managers pushing too hard to hear yes, and I have seen people demotivated and some of them emotionally exhausted because of that.
Tools I Use to Compensate For Power Difference
- Really taking the time to hear everything my colleagues have to say and ask a lot. It takes a bit of extra effort to make people feel heard but it pays off, even when there are other critical things to solve.
- Constantly ask about my colleagues’ opinion and validate whether the direction makes sense for them.
- Use non-violent language and avoid moralization, “shoulds” and only give advice when asked for. Using non-violent language is a skill I need to constantly get better at. There is a lot of hidden and unconscious violence in how we talk with others.
- Judge no idea. We might not take a direction our people are suggesting, but we always need to be clear about why and make no assumptions about them. Mindfulness meditation helped me with this a lot.
- People find it very difficult to speak up when in touch with people that are more senior or higher in the hierarchy. They need to be given space to talk first. Leaders often have the tendency to jump in and not provide enough space for others to talk.
- We all make mistakes, and we might want to apologize if we could have hurt someone’s feelings.
Once, I quickly jumped in a discussion one of my teams was having. I asked about an opinion and when one of the new joiners started expressing their view; I jumped in with a quick conclusion about that. The person went silent for the rest of the conversation. I did not handle the situation well. Later that day, I came to the person and said: “I am really sorry I did not give you enough space. It is very important for me to give space to you. I did not handle the situation well, and I am sorry for that.” It was very hard to say it out loud at first. I felt nude. Once in this conversation, however, I was touched by the genuineness of our human contact. Every time I recall this situation, I sense some beauty in it.
Bringing non-violence in the workplace is not a new thing. Miki Kashtan is talking about it in Empathy Across Power Differences (available here). She also talks about how to use non-violence in self-managing organizations.
I Got Better Understanding of the Team’s Reality and Leveraged Various Skill Sets to Assess and Approach Problems
As far as we remain flexible and open to alternative approaches, we have already won.
Having skip level 1–2–1s can be sometimes a sensitive topic for direct reports. They might think I am trying to bypass them. I strongly believe that we all step in the discussions as equal partners. Each partner has something to add. Sometimes a skip level person can give me much better insight than my direct report, because we think about a certain topic similarly, and therefore it’s easier for me to understand the situation. It can be very enriching to get all different perspectives. All these perspectives and diverse people’s skills complement each other and can help us arrive at the best possible outcomes. Perhaps we discover new ways of looking into things. Job crafting can be a powerful tool to leverage here to support our individuality.
A while ago, we crafted a job for one of our candidates. The person not only became an analyst, but also a team coach. Their team lead is very strong in planning and organizing, and he can leverage his strengths there. Coach steps in the process as a person who is passionate about helping the team members grow. Both of them focus on the agenda they are good at and complement each other.
Unconditional Acceptance Is Easier During Skip Level 1–2–1s Than Meetings With My Direct Reports
I have realized that it’s way easier for me to provide unconditional positive regard towards people that report me skip level than towards my direct reports. I tried to give a good thought about why this was happening, and the most honest answer I could give myself was that the major difference is the level of responsibility. While I feel a lot of responsibility for how my direct reports operate, the skip level responsibility gets a bit more indirect, and therefore I can allow myself to be often more authentic in the relationship. Therefore, I have more capacity to provide empathy and compassion.
I remember once my mother told me she can eventually genuinely enjoy the company of her grandchildren, while it was very difficult for her to enjoy the time with me and my sister to the same extent. When I asked what could be behind that, she told me she can enjoy the time freely without having all the responsibility for raising the kids well because it’s not up to her anymore. I can see a nice parallel here. I think it will take some effort to overcome the impact of responsibility on my ability to be more accepting and empathetic towards my direct reports.
Skip Level Meetings Are Not for Everyone and That’s Ok
Only conversations in which both sides invest their time and energy can be beneficial.
I have discovered that there are people that don’t think they have anything to talk about with me. Then there are those that perhaps consider it more like an obligation (the skip level 1–2–1s are optional). Lastly, those that, I believe, enjoy the time spent with me as well as I do with them. I respect all the above mentioned attitudes. I consider every relationship I step into in the workplace as a partnership. If we can both benefit from such partnership, it’s a great thing to experience, and it can open a lot of ways how we can cooperate further. If the benefit is not there, that’s ok too. Let’s only invest time into activities that enhance our perspectives, beliefs, and growth.
When I started with my skip level 1–2–1s, I have heard things such as “I have nothing to talk to you about” or I had a meeting with the person just once, and they never showed up again. At first, I questioned my ability to have a conversation that the other side could benefit from. Now I know that the only conversations in which both sides invest their time and effort can be beneficial. Sometimes we can make only a little progress together, and sometimes we can create a great synergy that skyrockets the growth for both of us.
I Genuinely Enjoy the Contact and Feel Compassionate Towards My People
Anytime we experience a genuine human connection during the discussions, we already do a lot of work — we set firm foundations for our relationships.
I feel very compassionate towards people in my teams, and I consider it my duty to be there for them. My skip level meetings don’t always have an agenda, and I want to keep it that way. It creates space for things to come up spontaneously. While this might not be considered as the most actionable and efficient way to lead meetings, it allows us to discuss what is important for people at that moment and go more below the surface. Not always these are work related discussions, but it does not matter. I believe anytime we experience a genuine human connection during the discussions, we already do a lot of work — we set firm foundations for our relationships. And as a bonus, we feel fulfilled as well. At least I do. A lot.
Once, I had a very open conversation during my skip level 1–2–1. I feel we went really below the surface and the person was opening up a lot, even on a personal level, talking about their life crisis and life challenges. My first thought was, “Oh, I guess my boss would not be thrilled if they heard this conversation. It’s solely personal”. But I continued and found the discussion very open and full of understanding and acceptance. Now I think we have established a deeper connection that we can build on. Sometimes I sense the connection when I look in the person’s eyes and I feel instantly interested in whatever the person has to share, because I know that whatever it will be, it will be an open and honest conversation, and that applies for work related topics as well.
Skip level 1–2–1s have been a source of precious inspiration, information, but also joy and synergy. Yet, it is also a constant effort to compensate for the power difference that is systematically given in mutual interactions. The safer space for honest discussions we create, the more insights we get and the more non-violence we create in the workplace.
[1]: McKinsey & Company. (2021, June 1). Psychological safety and the critical role of Leadership Development. McKinsey & Company. Retrieved June 8, 2022, from https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/people-and-organizational-performance/our-insights/psychological-safety-and-the-critical-role-of-leadership-development
My Leadership Philosophy
My leadership approach stands on the key principles of PCA as Carl Rogers has defined it — unconditional positive regard, empathy, and my congruence as a leader. While these are the fundamental assumptions to have a high-quality relationship with other people, the actual tools and frameworks I found in non-violent communication. The foundations for a non-judgmental and compassionate approach arose from my long-term mindfulness practice.
