Asking an Employee to Leave
Emotional Acceptance of Causing Pain to Another Human Being
For the first time in my leadership career, I offered to one of my employees to close an agreement and let them leave the company.* Let’s call him John. The reason? John’s long-term underperformance. Sounds pretty straightforward, right? It might, on the rational level, on the emotional level, this was way more difficult. What if John had family to take care of; mortgage to pay; loved his colleagues; and was a great person too?
Ok, you might think, “Oh, c’mon, it’s part of your job. You should not think about it too much.” This might be easier said than done. Not mentioning, it can happen to anyone, me, you, people we love. And yes, we can just act in the company’s name, dissociate from ourselves and do the job. However, in that case, we not just cause more harm to our colleagues, but we also cause a lot of suffering to ourselves. This might not have an immediate impact, but it will take its toll on long-term wellbeing.
I embraced suffering and fully opened myself to the experience. I had only a single goal - be there as a human for the other person, having boundaries but acting compassionately. That took a lot of work.
Embrace suffering, and it will transform your relationship with others as well as yourself.
Honestly, it felt terribly to hurt John. I knew it was a right thing to do. Emotionally, however, I experienced a lot of inner pain. The day I told John that the only future I could foresee was to discontinue our cooperation, was tough. It did not come out of nowhere, there were many discussions about his performance in the past. This time, however, it was different. We had to solve the situation for good. And John was hurt and he cried… Not just once, several times.
I took an extra effort to stress out that I still accepted him as a person. That we probably cannot find alignment on the work level, but I still genuinely liked him.
That day, I spent the whole meditation time in tears. I knew the only way out for John was to find the courage and start seeking new opportunities elsewhere. I spent a decent amount of time during my meditation sending my best wishes to John to have the strength to go out into the world and solve the situation. It was the most honest wish I could have for him. And it was the best I could do for myself as well — giving myself enough space for integration, letting all the emotions come and go.
Throughout the whole situation, I allowed myself to be congruent
- Within myself: accepting what I feel and how I feel it with no judgements. Not thinking about whether this is how a powerful leader would act. (Who is a powerful leader, anyway? A person who dissociates from themselves and acts like a robot? I don’t think so.)
- In interactions with John — to say what I really think and stay open to whatever topic we might open and discuss it compassionately.
When I met with John the second time to sign the agreement, he looked good. As I was sitting opposite of him, I knew that whatever happens; I have the strength to be there for him. I told him he looked calmer that day. He nodded, became emotional again, but admitted that he had looked around, and it seemed there were a lot of work opportunities out there. Honestly, this was an enormous relief for me.
It might sound weird to talk more about myself than how difficult the situation must have been for John. Yet, I still consider managers’ ability to manage the situation crucial. And we can only manage the situation as far as we are in touch with who we are and what we feel. Only that way, we can make sure the person does not leave humiliated, ashamed or with zero self-esteem. This can happen easily if we cannot assure the person that nothing is wrong with them as people.
The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.
— Buddha
I stepped into the process with my vulnerability and allowed it to be part of it. Yes, I was hurt, but I was also fully present to give further explanation and to provide care and compassion. I was there for John as a person who changed direction for his work life, but, I hope, also a person who provided support on his journey. We said each other goodbye and wished best luck. I believe it was a very honest moment.
Looking back at the situation, it required a lot of external as well as internal work. Being able to go through such situation and be still connected with oneself is a skill. It’s a never-ending journey of becoming a mature person, and it requires an enormous investment from a leader — be open to the process, reflect on it and be fully present with whatever arises. It might sound easy to dissociate or act just by some set of rules or expectations that the company might have. However, leaders will only end up losing themselves in it. I believe I didn’t, and I feel stronger because of that. And I still genuinely like John.
*One way to terminate employment in the Czech Republic is by closing a mutual agreement.
My Leadership Philosophy
My leadership approach stands on the key principles of PCA as Carl Rogers has defined it — unconditional positive regard, empathy, and my congruence as a leader. While these are the fundamental assumptions to have a high-quality relationship with other people, the actual tools and frameworks I found in non-violent communication. The foundations for a non-judgmental and compassionate approach arose from my long-term mindfulness practice.
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