Nonviolent Communication in Leadership: Path to Inclusion and Empowerment
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” — Marshall Rosenberg
I haven’t heard about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) before my therapist suggested me the concept as a way of handling difficult emotions. There is however way more about NVC, it’s a philosophy of being able to establish a deep connection with each other. It’s a concept that helps people feel truly accepted, empowered and understood. I strongly believe that we need more of that in the workplace, especially in leadership roles.
This article is about NVC in the workplace, about mistakes I have done (and often still do) and how I feel when interacting with authorities that apply violence to get things done.
Words that Disconnect
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” — Rumi
In my career, I have experienced situations when conversations went really well until a certain, almost invisible point, when something has changed on the other side. Something that suddenly made the other person feel uncomfortable and disconnected. These moments can be very hard to spot and even harder to understand, as they might seem innocent, but they have some common denominators.
We could summarize these denominators in three areas. The person has been:
- Judgmental
- Giving an unsolicited advice or feedback
- Moralistic
When receiving feedback myself, I have heard sentences like this so many times: “You need to be assertive.”, “Managers need to be resilient.”, “Managers need to stand behind the decisions of top management.”, “You need to learn how to be more aggressive to achieve your goals.”. The truth is that none of these statements ever helped. The only outcome was that I felt I am not understood as a person, or I felt guilty of not sharing the same values. The issue with these statements is that they judge, label as good or bad, or they force us to accept values the other side has. These statements are moralistic.
Being able to provide an advice or feedback well, is one of the most difficult moments. It requires a lot of self-awareness. The feedback arises from something that you need to achieve as a manager, but it needs to be balanced well with a deep respect for the other side.
How many times has it happened to you that your manager gave you advice that was far away from your problem, or you felt like the person has just stolen the chance of figuring out the solution on your own? Sadly, I am afraid it happens too often.
It is important to distinguish situations when advice would help and when it would do the complete opposite. Asking whether the person wants to be given an advice might be a good practice, which I often fail to do myself. I believe advice can be even harmful as it might open questions like: “So do you think I am incompetent?” It can be also humiliating. Imagine someone says to you “You need to be more aggressive, show you are tough.” I used to think I fail because I am not none of these.
There is a powerful truth that I have discovered. There are things that don’t get solved by providing a manual. Sometimes understanding and full acceptance is the solution itself.
On a Path to Inclusion and Acceptance
In psychotherapy, unconditional acceptance of a client can be one of the core foundations for a change. This mainly applies to humanistic approaches, such as Person Centered Approach by Carl Rogers. Carl Rogers says that the relationship is more important than the insight¹. I truly believe the same applies to the workplace as well — if a manager can establish an empathetic, open, understandable relationship with others, this can be way more beneficial than the ability to bring the best insight or solution.
NVC is a concept that helps establish these relationships. It’s a concept of being aware of the situation I am in, knowing what feelings I have, what I would need and how I can pass this message to the other person². I have talked about identification of feelings and needs in one of my previous articles.
NVC, however, also means that I can evaluate the same for the other side. That is of course difficult, and we might not understand what the other side is experiencing. Therefore, it’s important to constantly ask whether we interpret the situation well.
“It sounds like you are uncertain about what the next steps should be. Is that correct? Would it help you if I share my perspective on how we should proceed?” In such a sentence, I am:
- Providing my interpretation of the situation, but with all the respect that I might not understand it right and the other person confirms or clarifies.
- I am trying to suggest what the other side might need, but I am again asking before acting, because I can’t be sure whether the person would like to get advice. I don’t want to hurt the other person by jumping in with a solution that would probably only boost my ego, but not help the other side at all.
- Also, I am inclusive — I am saying how WE should proceed; I agree to help, and I am providing a sense that we are in the situation together. That I am there for the person at the moment.
While this concept looks easy on paper, it requires a lot of self-awareness to be applied well. I, however, deeply believe that it’s worth it. If people feel understood, they can be themselves, put all their fears of being excluded or misunderstood aside. If I know my manager accepts me, accepts my mistakes, my personality, my values, my needs, I know I can be fully myself. This unlocks a whole new world of growth, creative ideas and feelings of belonging and ownership. It creates the environment where people feel valued, which is the core of inclusion.
Decreasing Tention in Conflict Situation
“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”― Marshall Rosenberg
NVC comes especially handy in conflict situations. These can intensify even more when interacting with people that are wired up differently. For me, the biggest challenge comes with people whose behavior I consider to be more directive and who tend to use pressure and aggression as a tool to achieve what they need. As far as I would describe this behavior as violent, the tension can be decreased by bringing empathy to the situation. As Marshall Rosenberg, the father of NCV said, anger is a tragic expression of an unmet need.
A while back, I was in a tough discussion with a person from top management. I did my best to understand the problem the person was describing. When trying to rationally explain, how things work and how to find a solution, the person started yelling at me, “You are not listening to me!”. I felt sad and confused, because I felt all I was doing was just that. There was a big difference, though. I was listening to the problem, not how the person felt and what they needed. The person most likely did not need the solution, but be understood in the difficulty of such a situation. The beautiful thing about NVC is that if the person’s needs are heard, the person feels understood, there is no need for anger or aggression anymore.
“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.”
— Carl R. Rogers
NVC is not just a style of communication, it is a way of thinking. It’s a philosophy of not labelling others. NVC is not judgmental. NVC searches for mutual understanding even though we might have completely different opinions, background or believes.
NVC accepts things are not black and white and does not require from managers to act like that. It gives us freedom to act authentically, empathetically, and inclusively. Also, not everyone needs to be trained in NVC to make the concept work. If only one side can lead the conversation in a nonviolent manner, the other side likely adjusts, because they feel understood and don’t need to fight or protect their boundaries. NVC represents a great opportunity for leaders out there to establish better relationships and deeper connection with their colleagues in a way that both sides would feel fulfilled. It is a journey from authoritative management to building meaningful connections with others. It’s the place behind rightdoing and wrongdoing where we can all meet as human beings.
References
- Rogers, C. (2015). Být sám sebou: terapeutův pohled na psychoterapii (On becoming a person: a therapist’s view of psychotherapy). Portál.
- Rosenberg, M. B., & Garcíová, N. (2016). Nenásilná komunikace (Nonviolent Communication). Portál.
If you would like to know more about NVC, I recommend this heart touching document about practicing and teaching the concept of NVC in prisons and how transformative and life changing it can be.
